


Fuck it, let's make a porno!

by TheSinnabun



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Body Worship, Eventual Smut, Exhibitionism, Fluff, I never put stuff on here before so i'm sorry for any mistakes, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Voyeurism, maybe?? - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-17
Packaged: 2018-04-30 12:49:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5164418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSinnabun/pseuds/TheSinnabun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>((Due to the nature of the whole plot device, this is rated explicit, but no actual smut happens until later chapters and is actually pretty SFW otherwise))</p><p>It's been a year since the Surface Breach, and somehow you've made it as Mettaton's human assistant, his only assistant in fact. You've always questioned why he chose you out of all the applicants, but regardless, he has deemed you special enough to work with.</p><p>But despite working for the glamourous robot and getting used to his quirks, nothing could have prepared you for the task he sets for you.</p><p>--This was originally going to be a PWP but I failed horribly so now it's in parts. No idea where it's gonna go now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You, the Assistant

**Author's Note:**

> NO SMUT IN THIS CHAPTER FOLKS
> 
> I have no proofreaders or editors, I apologize for any and all mistakes and would appreciate if you PM me instead of commenting on the work so that I can fix it!
> 
> You can find the tumblr alternative here > http://thesinnabun.tumblr.com/post/132756670735/fuck-it-lets-make-a-porno

 "Ah, come on in darling!"

After you knocked on the door Mettaton answered immediately and affectionately. You never knew if he recognized your knock after a year of working as his assistant, or if he did this with everyone. After all, the only people with the gall to go right up to his door were the ones that worked directly for him; everyone else they had to go through you and your intercom... pager... thing. You could never remember what that was called.

You opened the door and stepped in, completely turning away from him as you eased the door shut, scared of slamming it. "Y..-you wanted to see me, Sir?"

"Well I always want to see you, dear! But this time yes, I need to speak with you. Have a seat."

Mettaton had called you on your day off. "Something important to discuss", he had said in his text. Mettaton didn't really like using the cellphones the humans had. You guessed it was because he was a magic robot and using the phones up here caused an interference. You suspected that this was the reason he hired you in the first place, to deal with his calls as well as to manage the accounts with the networks.

As fabulous and influential Mettaton was, he was still technically a Monster, after all. While his human skills had greatly improved since coming to the surface, he still didn't like how indignant and stubborn your kind could be. Though this reasoning only brought more questions to you, like why he thought hiring a rather meek and unassuming human would be good for dealing with these people.

You've been in his large, sparkly office millions of times by now. But right now you could only feel apprehension. Were you finally being fired for your incompetence? Did one of the networks contact him about some other thing you did wrong(you don't even know what, you just knew that it was probably wrong and you deserved whatever resulted from it)? You stiffly approached his fancy mahogany desk and sat down in the cushy black chair, with your legs together and your hands resting on your lap. You awaited for the famous words that Trump tried to sue Mettaton for using on TV, but they never came. You weren't looking at Mettaton, but you were certain he was staring at you.

"...Darling! You _never_ sit like that unless you were worried! There's nothing to be afraid of, is there?"

You felt your mouth go dry, too ashamed to speak anything more than a muttered "sorry" and look up at him. He had risen from his seat, leaning heavily over the desk. So heavily, in fact, that he was now laying across the desk, legs in the air and one pointing at the ceiling, reaching out his gloved hands to cup your face. You're not usually okay with being in this kind of contact, but you've made an exception with Mettaton. He handled you so gently... It was a welcome change.

"You don't need to be sorry! Everything is fine, you're not in trouble. Quite the opposite!"

"R-really..??" Your eyes went round and it made him ecstatic.

"Ohhh yes!" He flipped himself over with an ungracious thunk, and now his upside-down face was eye level with you. You instinctively leaned away but his hands took your head again and pulled you back in close. "You've been an absolute delight to have around! And you've made wonderful progress from that shy little cutie that I interviewed. Honey, I promise you that you have nothing to worry about!"

His flattery comforts you, your cheeks burning from bashfulness and a tight smile on your face in a poor attempt to save face. You wiped your eyes and gave a little nod and he let go without argue. "If I'm fine, then why _did_ you call me in? Did something go wrong?"

"No, dear, nothing's wrong. If anything, something went _right_. A little too right!" He finally got up, standing erect as he tucked his hands behind his back. You recognize this as his "business pose", and just as you predicted he looked out the glass wall overlooking the dusk-colored city before walking over to it. "Thanks to me, monsters and humans are getting along just swimmingly now! There were many bumps but with Frisk smoothing things out I made it so it was smooth sailing! Getting myself on the big screen and your wonderful suggestion of getting Papyrus as a judge on Master Chef Junior have made humans much more willing to get to know Monster kind! While it's not as perfect as I'd like, I've been getting thousands of letters and fan mail from humans now!"

"That's wonderful!" You let out, getting more comfortable in your chair as you scooted forward. Fondly you recalled the first time you ran files to his less-than-humble home, when he practically kidnapped you to meet some of his friends from before they came to the surface and of course the child ambassador. They were all so friendly, that even with your awkwardness you think they at least tolerate you enough to be themselves around you.

"Yes, it is!" Mettaton's response quickly snapped you from your wandering thoughts, and you watched his hands as they folded over each other. Did.. his hands just twitch? "But something rather... odd has come up. I cannot say it wasn't expected, since these good fans of mine depend on me for a lot, but there is a small predicament I need your help with solving."

"Yes, of course, Sir, I'll help however I can!"

"I've decided that I will make a video for Monsters on how to be intimate with a Human."

"Wait _what?"_

"Yes, you heard correctly!" Mettaton drops his professional stance and turns to you, dramatically throwing out his arms. "Intermingling has finally happened, my dear! But Monsters are not quite so physical in terms of intimacy like Humans are! It's up to ME to help them so that they at least have SOMETHING to work with!"

"I.. I 'm not sure how I ..." You stammered, not expecting this turn of events even the slightest. Your legs, which had relaxed up until now, slapped back together as you went stiff.

He caught notice immediately and went back into assuring you. "Oh no, no no darling! I would never do that to you if you were uncomfortable with it!" He puts his hands on his hips, and the pose he made reminded you of a superhero. "But I do need your help finding the humans that ARE fine with getting a little freaky on the camera!"

"Wouldn't it just be better and less...er complicated, to encourage monsters to look at that stuff on the internet...?" God you practically squeaked that out.

"Absolutely not! I'm sure even you're aware of how unrealistic they set are! Not to mention that it's even more fake than that silly wrestling sport Humans enjoy so much!" He scoffed at the idea, shaking his head and swishing his hair to the side. "No, no... I need to make something educational and accurate." He walked over to the desk, sliding his butt onto it so he was sitting on it instead of behind it. You had to crane your neck just to look up at him. Curse your small height. "Which is why I need you to work a little of your Human magic and decide which two lucky humans get the honor of helping cement the way to Monster-Human relations!"

"Two, sir?"

"Of course! A human with a penis and a human with a vagina! After all, we need to cover all the bases we can for the basics!"

"Oh dear,"

"So! Will you help me, my favorite and cutest assistant?"

Mettaton's giving you puppy eyes. You're surprised that he's actually giving you a choice this time. Then again, this was unconventional and you weren't technically on the clock. You were grateful to at least have the control of which way this goes. Because you were in control, you weren't going to rush into this decision. You ease only slightly, looking toward the scenery the window granted. "What criteria should I be looking for exactly...? Like on looks or behaviors or... other things...?"

"As long as they're clean and unaltered and preferably famous, I'll be satisfied. I'm just doing the basics and I don't want anything out of the ordinary about their genitals."

How could he talk about this so... shamelessly? Just letting his words sink in made your cheeks red. "Well..."

He was thankfully patient, staring at you with a tiny smile on his face. You had to tear your eyes away before you mindlessly said yes. Finally you heaved a sigh. "Oh, fuck it. Let's make those pornos."

"AH I LOVE IT WHEN YOU BECOME BLUNT~!!" he wrapped his arms around your shoulders and swept you up into a hug. You had a feeling you were going to regret this.


	2. Mettaton, your Boss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes: Still no proofreaders/editors, still just me all by my lonesome! Also this originally was gonna be in a cafe but then I realized not even Mettaton wouldn't do this in such a public place. 
> 
> Find the tumblr post here > http://thesinnabun.tumblr.com/post/132813672410/filmap-chapter-2

"Alright, so these are the people whose managers and agents I've contacted."

Since getting the task of finding two people for your Boss's "educational" videos, you've been busying yourself with contacting various agencies. You wouldn't admit it, but it was interesting just to see how many companies there were in the pornographic industry. You would admit, however, that this was a rather odd scenery to have this discussion.

It wasn't unusual to have business discussions while accompanying Mettaton while he's out in the city to keep up a good connection and face to his fans, but you didn't expect to be in the driver's seat of his hot pink Bentley Mulsanne. Nor did you expect to be accompanying him as he made his way to an elementary school in the suburbs. Waiting in front of the school, exchanging files in the parked car like it was any regular business, was also a bit of a surprise.

"I didn't know if you wanted people who like you already or not, so the files that like you are marked with the pink sticker."

"Wonderful! Always going the extra mile just for me, good work!" He swiped the files from your expectedly loose grip and sifted through the files. He grabbed all the ones that weren't marked as you said. "Be a dear and open the sun roof," and once you listened he held the files up into the air...

And completely incinerated them.

You stared with round eyes as the smoking spout returned into his mouth, Mettaton's heavy-lidded eyes watching the wind carry away the little ash that remained. "Now that the trash is taken care of~"

Mettaton sure had a way to erase records. A part of you felt like your work went to waste, but another part of you was more focused on the condition of your eyebrows. You wiped your forehead to subtly make sure they were okay, though Mettaton was more interested in looking at the files.

"Oh I see you also organized it by genitals, that makes it easier! Do you have a preference for who we choose first?"

"No. No not really," You piped up. This whole thing was embarrassing to you, but you pulled out your smart phone to go through the files along with him. While you were closer to him compared to being at his desk, leaning over really wasn't something you liked to do. It was just a little too close for comfort. Plus you could access the links to show him anything he needed. "We should probably go quickly though, I don't know when this school goes... out... Uhm, Sir?"

"Yeeeees~?"

"Is there some public stunt you're getting ready for that you didn't tell me about? Why are we at this school?"

"Oh, silly me! I forgot to tell you I'm picking up Frisk from school on Toriel's behalf! She's away on a mandatory teacher's retreat to attend some sort of district meeting, so I'm taking the little cutie to Sans and Papyrus's. Aaand I thought it'd be good for morale for a super star like me to get to know the kiddies too!"

"Oh, Frisk goes here?" You looked out the window for a moment, your eyes falling on a... familiar piece of topiary. "...Did they really let the custodian make Papyrus's face?"

"I know, Asgore should have made it in _MY_ face! But Papyrus is an affordable substitution." Mettaton was unphased by the gardening skills. "But yes, this is the school Frisk goes to. You've only met them a couple times, right?"

"Once actually, when you introduced me to your inner circle. I've seen everyone once except for Papryus." The skeleton insisted on exchanging numbers upon learning your name, and because of his role as a Monster Mascot he's done some work with Mettaton. He often texts you when you're working late to make sure you get your rest. (Spoiler, you don't.)

"Oh we _must_ remedy that soon," Mettaton replied, finally opening a file to read it more thoroughly. "Mm... A Mister "Tanner Bryant"..." He waited until you pulled up your copy and nodded to continue. "He's certainly a looker... New to show business it looks!"

"He was one of the company's newest, but he's been interning there since he turned 18." You reclined in your seat as you looked scrolled on your phone. "He's low on experience but he apparently has plenty of talent and skill."

"I see! Have you talked to him in person?"

"No, he was in the middle of a rather out-there er... performance?" You really understood what terminology they used in that sort of business.

"Then tell me do you think he's good?"

"I... honestly wouldn't know, sir." You scratched the back of your head, air pushing out a small gap your lips made. "I don't watch that stuff."

The look he gave you reminded you of the time he played some kind of lawyer in a movie adaptation of that one game you heard of. "Really?! Not at all?!"

"No, of course not!" An uneasy laugh forced its way out, you always did that to cover up how off guard you were. "I'm not into that kind of thing!" Did he really think you were that type of person? His disbelieving look proved your suspicion, and your pressed your lips together. "I mean it, sir."

"Oh, I believe you darling!" He leaned sideways toward you, causing you to lean along to avoid his face getting close to yours. That didn't work however, since his robotic neck stretch out and there he was. "But I thought all humans were into that sort of thing!"

Oh. He honestly didn't know? ... Were you really going to educate your boss about this? The way he was staring at you... yeah... "Okay, okay, I'll explain anything I can, but I need some space." His head returned to his shoulders and you both straightened up. You had to look away to explain this. You set your phone in your lap and he watched your hands move as you spoke. "Not everyone looks at porn. At least, it's a bit more complicated. I don't know too much, but I know that the porn industry is definitely for men. Even the lesbian porn is for a male viewer to enjoy. Some women are into the male empowerment, some men and most women don't like how poorly treated the women are. A-at least, from what I've been reading in this search for actors for this video of yours."

He, for once, was silent, taking in what you said carefully. You could tell he had more questions, or something he wanted to say, but you were surprised he kept to himself. "There's also pornographic books that people prefer, or comics, and I'm sure you've seen at least SOME erotic art or animation with how often you Google yourself. But some people don't get any pleasure from fantasy, you know? It's not their thing. I mean, that doesn't mean they don't like... take care of themselves, but some people just do it for the sensation and don't really need material." Still silent. You shifted your gaze to him, your legs getting together. "Is... something wrong?"

"I can’t recall the last time you've spoken so much." He blurted, as if he discovered a rare treasure. embarrassment shook you and you immediately pressed your lips, your cheeks growing hot. "Don't even _ **try**_ to apologize!!" He said before you could mutter the word. "It isn't like it's not enjoyable, far far FAR from it!! You do your research well, my dear! I wish you'd talk about yourself as extensively!"

You fidgeted under his praise, waving your hand dismissively as he continued to embarrass you with flattery. "There's nothing to really talk about, really."

"Oh I _beg_ to differ, darling!" And he's touching your face again. God damn it. "I'd absolutely die to know how you became the sweet and precious person you are!"

"...Mettaton maybe it's best if you don't die for my sake I really don't want your fans coming after me with torches and pitchforks."

He laughs. It sounds like some sort of magical anime character, but it's a nice one. He lets go of you as he's still laughing and you internally congratulate yourself for being witty sometimes. He leans back in his chair, dramatically wiping an eye as if he had tears.

"We should probably get back to work."

"Correct as usual! But unfortunately, we won't." You blink in confusion, but before you could ask the school bell chimed, and you caught on. "As you can see, duty calls~!" You watched him step out of the car and walk around. He stopped at your door, now between you and the front of the school. As always he was a natural, posing for the children who recognized him and crowded the car.

You could only guess how much the tabloids would pay just for the opportunity to see Mettaton's behind from the angle you were at. And you're not sure if he was doing it on purpose or not. God damn.


	3. And Icecream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not my best work at all because this went a completely different route after a super bad day. Then i was like “hell no I want this to be a feel good for now” and here we are.
> 
> Tumblr mirror here > http://thesinnabun.tumblr.com/post/133245865190/filmap-chapter-25-and-icecream

Driving Frisk to the skeleton brothers' house was surprisingly mellow. When Frisk made their way around the crowd and hopped into the back seat from the opposite side, you exchanged small waves and smiles. Frisk was mute most of the time, but you didn't know sign language. You just compensated with yes and no questions. Was school fun? Yes. Are things going well? Yes! Is it fun being an ambassador? The responses was a teetering hand gesture that you recognized as "so-so". Mettaton was able to pry himself away from his fans by doing a back somersault over the car and was in the driver's seat in a jiffy.

"You're all such _wonderful_ fans! Don't forget to tune in on Friday night for the pre-recorded quiz show special!"

He extended his hand out his window to wave at the children, before he drove off and took over your "conversation" with Frisk. You weren't surprised that Mettaton knew sign language so he was able to talk to Frisk just fine (though once in a while his car would start to reer off and you had to yelp to get him back in his lane). You were thankful that he would echo what Frisk would say so that you didn't feel left out.

That or so that he made sure you knew to blow clear his schedule on Friday to hang out for an anime marathon. You did that from your phone. Goodbye pep rally to the lower tier of staff members. It probably for the best... No songs blaring about how incompetent they are to put together for him. You've noticed that Mettaton is only kind to those he cares about. Watching the way Mettaton interacted with the ambassador and make a detour to some icecream place. You didn't get a say in the matter(though it wasn't like you had anything against it) and Mettaton speeds on over to a little icecream shop.

"Here we are!" Mettaton blurted, causing you to snap out of your focus on your phone(you had more than this project to work on for Mettaton after all. Frisk wasn't at all bothered as they hopped out of the car, bouncing on their heels as they waited for Mettaton. He got out of the car, before he turned to you. "Aren't you coming along?"

"Huh?"

"To get icecream. You like icecream don't you? I haven't yet seen a human turn down some icecream!" He watches you as you went stiff for a moment, before swiping on your phone to check your bank account. However before you could really decline you pats the top of his car. You were sure that if it wasn't for his gloves, he would've scratches his sparkly vehicle. He was impatient and you immediately got worried, climbing out of your seat. That was enough to satisfy him, and he smiled brightly and took Frisk's hand to walk into the parlor. You ended up trailing behind, worrying your lips.

With bills just taken care of, you were low on cash. Living in the city wasn't cheap, but it compensated for being compact enough that you didn't need a car to get to work and back. And you'd be dead before you'd even consider asking Mettaton for a raise. You didn't want to look pathetic or like a stick in the mud, so during the entire small wait in line(Mettaton had tried to use his prowess to cut but Frisk discouraged that immediately) crunching numbers. You could always skip dinner, or see about getting just one dollar menu item. It wasn't like you weren't used to missing a mea-

"And you?"

Startled back into focus, you found yourself at the counter and you turned your head to the icecream. Not wanting to look like you were spacing out, you pointed to the closest container, finger pressing against the glass. "I-I'll have a small cup of that one please!"

"Would you like any toppings or mix-ins?"

"Nope I'm good!" You had no idea what they had and you didn't want to think about what would be good on the random icecream you picked. You didn't even know what it was until they started scooping it. An exhale of relief escaped your nose as you realized it was just vanilla. You liked being boring sometimes. You glanced at the prices and more relief came over you. Your wallet won't be empty.

You flipped your phone case over to pull out the ten you had, but Mettaton's gloved hand shoved your hands down. "No my simple-palleted assistant, my treat!"

"You really don't have t-"

"Too late!" You pressed your lips into a small line as Mettaton swiped his credit card, and you noticed Frisk drumming the counter excitedly as the second server brought over their treat. It was an extravagent. This kid was bound to get a sugar rush from it. You wondered what a child like Frisk would be like when they're hyper as you took your meager in comparison cup. You followed Mettaton's lead, who followed Frisk's as they chose a booth in the corner and slid to the wall. Mettaton sat on the other side and watched you figure out who would be best to sit with.

Frisk was the obvious answer. They were smaller and you wouldn't be crowded by the large mechanical man.

"Alright, what else is on the table?" Mettaton got right back into business mode, an elbow going onto the table and his chin resting on the back of his hand. You were thankful the small parlor wasn't busy, because most of them were staring at Mettaton. By the way he would wink and grin at some of them, he was enjoying the attention.

You, however, don't even look at him as you pull up your phone's calender. "Well you cleared your schedule on Friday so that means you don't need to have that little "pep rally" of yours."

"I'll just have the managers play it over the speakers that day." Those _poor_ bastards.

"Tomorrow you wanted to take off early to meet with Dr. Alphys about some project of yours that you won't tell me about, then Saturday you're filming your workout video with Papyrus." As you spoke he would nod along or say his confirmations. "And Sunday you don't have anything planned because you always take the last Sunday of the month off for yourself."

"Ahh yes!" You held back a grin as he tried, and failed, to pose in the small booth, banging his torso on the table and almost knocking your icecream off the table. Frisk's cone was in no danger this time. "That memory of yours is incredible!"

You pushed air out of your lips in a scoff. "My phone's memory is incredible. Without this thing I wouldn't even remember what day it was." The corner of your eye caught Frisk making a big smile, their shoulders shaking in a silent giggle. "My phone's my lifeline. Well, that and a stable internet connection."

"Oh? You're on the internet a lot?" Mettaton asked. "What do you do on there?"

"Awwh, nothing special." You waved your hand dismissively. "Just watch tv and youtube, mainly. That and check on your standing on the surface."

"OH! Is it as fantastic as I think?" This time he succeeded, turning sideways to kick a leg up as he leaned back. Frisk giggled again and Mettaton winked at them.

"Yeah, I think it's pretty good! Haven't seen any other complaints other than you being too gorgeous to handle."

"OHH HOW _TRUE_!!" Mettaton looked right at you, smiling wide. "What else?"

You shrugged. "Nothing I haven't heard you say about yourself already." You teased, and his grin went wider. You looked back at your phone. "Oh yeah! Your P.O. Box is getting full."

"Lets pick it up tomorrow then!" He clapped his hands together. "Well, you pick it up tomorrow. And take it to my house. I have nothing to do in my office so we can work at my place."

"Is... this another set up to hang out with your friends?"

"Not this time, no. Either way you don't have a choice." He stuck out his tongue and a flash of a camera phone went off. You groaned, throwing your head back. This was your life now.


	4. And Way Too Much Sin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of dicks involved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO AFTER READING THIS, I NEED YOU TO LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK METTATON SHOULD CHOOSE, either in tags or reblogs or messages in the inbox! Otherwise I'm making the reader a piece of shit vanilla ass furry and there's nothing you can do about it.
> 
> Tumblr Mirror here > http://thesinnabun.tumblr.com/post/133383782605/filmap-chapter-3

Mornings with Mettaton were always early. Mornings with Mettaton, that you would always abbreviate as M&M, always started with you going to the post office to grab Mettaton's mail as soon as the place opened. You have gotten the habit of grabbing a random stray shopping cart you found on your walk over because boy, Mettaton got a lot of mail and packages. And you didn't exactly have a car. You bussed everywhere and you couldn't exactly do that with a cart full of bags. You were happy you were at least smart enough to wear your comfy shoes. Mettaton's not-humble abode was on the far side of things and frankly, you hated these runs. Usually he has Burgerpants do this and while you feel bad, it was better him than you. You weren't exactly fit despite walking everywhere.

As you recalled one of the poor guy's speech about his hatred for Mettaton, and the faces he'd make, you reached Mettaton's home. He was in one of the nicer neighborhoods; big houses, green lawns, luxury cars... There was a police officer that tried to stop you from coming in with a shopping cart... it was nice. Once you convinced the officer that you were in fact _not_ homeless, and once you made the small incline, you reached Mettaton's house and brought the cart all the way up the door. You didn't like the appearance, but you stopped caring after the time you had to wear your workshoes and couldn't stand for the rest of the weekend.

"Come in~" Mettaton really must have your knock memorized. You open the door with the first two bags of mail and trot in, making your way to the dining room. He was there, feet on the table as he balanced precariously on two legs of his chair, looking through various papers of some sort. "Morning, darling!"

"Mornin’!" You chimed back, setting the bags in the corner of the room and returning to the cart. This time you grab as many bags as you could carry, and you were quite proud of your strength. You continued as you shut the door with your foot. "Okay so this is everything in your PO Box, I'm gonna take off my shoes and wash my hands and then we can-what are you looking at?"

You nearly dropped everything when you realized Mettaton was looking at... you assume to be, various dicks. "I'm looking at designs I need to go over before I see Alphys today!" He responded, as casual as if he was just looking over some paperwork. "I need one built for the videos, so I'm weighing my options! And as a human, I need YOU to help me out!"

"...what."

"Come on, come on, sit down!" You let out a yelp as his hand extended toward you and, surprisingly delicately, grabbed your wrist and guided you to the seat next to him.

"Sir do I really nee-"

"Well I'm not going to talk to FRISK about this and you're the only other human I trust to have responsible input!"

"Sir you're literally asking me to weigh in on what your... er..."

"Don't be so bashful!!"

The arguing went on for another minute before he finally dropped the papers in front of you. "Now, what do you think of this one?"

"......."

"Please dearie?" You shot him a look, lips pressed into a thin line and he had his hands pressed together. You weren't sure why, but the idea of him having to beg you to do anything made you swell up. Maybe you were just egotistical that the "FABULOUS~" Mettaton had to plead for help. You turned your gaze to the paper and sighed.

"I won't really be able to stay professional during this..."

"You have absolute free reign!"

"A-are you sure...?" His complete and hasty agreement caught you off guard, and you gulped. "I.. er, alright, sure, I guess."

"Thank you soooo much, deary! You can even call me by name!"

"Leeeet's not get ahead of yourself." You were confident that you wouldn't be able to say anything but sir for a while. You picked up the stack, looking at the first one. "...What am I supposed to be doing?"

"Well, you being human makes you _technically_ more qualified than my own knowledge of humans--" You held back the urge to remind him that just yesterday you had to explain that not all humans looked at pornography. "--so I need you to keep in mind of what would be best for pleasuring a vagina. Or their tush. Whatever opening they want."

How the hell was this man able to speak like this? Just listening made you tug at the string of your hood and clear your throat. "Why don't you get something more... human like?" You motion to the.. image, before you, and you're pretty sure it was just a dildo made to be shaped like the head of a squid.

"The entire point of the video is to show how a monster and a human can enjoy themselves! As easy as it would be to get something normal--" He made the classic air quotes motion. "--I need something less human so that humans can expect anything from their lover! Make sense?"

As he spoke you had turned the page, and held back a groan. "Are you telling me that there are monsters with an actual horse penis?"

"... That's what a horse's penis looks like?"

"...Moving on." You weren't exactly sure how to explain this, so you turned to the next page. "Lets see what the next one is-oH MY GOD WHY IS IT SO BIG?!"

"It is?" He leaned over to look at the picture, blinking.a "I thought it'd be fine since most of you can push out a baby no problem."

"Sir I can _guarantee_ you that pushing out a baby is extremely hard and painful."

"THEN WHY DO YOU PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME."

"BECAUSE WE NEED TO REPRODUCE TO SURVIVE."

"YOU HAVE OVER SEVEN BILLION PEOPLE ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?!"

"WE ARE GETTING BESIDE THE POINT WE ARE LOOKING FOR SUITABLE _DILDOS_ FOR YOUR PORNO."

"IT'S NOT A PORNO IT'S A SERIES OF EDUCATIONAL VIDEOS TO SHOW HOW A MONSTER HOW TO PLEASE A HUMAN AND VICE VERSA!"

"OH MY GOD THERE'S GONNA BE MORE THAN ONE?!"

"WHY DO YOU SAY OH MY GOD SO MUCH??"

_"WHY ARE YOU NOT ANSWERING THE QUESTION?!"_

Neither of you were angry, so how you both end up shouting neither of you will ever know. You blamed the fact that your voice gets higher when you're confused or flustered. Like right now. Staring at a dick that you were positive was modeled after a Xenomorph.

\---

"Alright _alright_ , I see your point, so let's compromise." After a few minutes of more screaming and you finally storming off into the bathroom to splash cold water on your face, you both were finally quiet and taking this seriously. Mettaton had a clip board and a pen, scribbling on it as he went back to his reclined position. You were leaning over the table looking over the yet-to-be-rejected designs he wanted to show you. On your table was your phone, which you had been using to look up the average size of... parts. "We can have it vaguely shaped humanlike, but we do need to give it inhuman qualities."

"Like..?" You looked up from your paper and looked over to him, but your eyes had to trail up his legs. It was hard not to. His left foot was pointing right at your face. On the top of his foot was his clipboard, and you take it from him.

"Well, color, for starters. It must be pink. Glittery even. There's also texture, maybe not a straight tube but a varying thickness, and the shape of the tip doesn't have to be-"

"Sir I'm _not_ approving of a dildo with your head being the tip." You had to lean over to try and hand him back his clipboard. You resorted to setting a hand on his shin to do it. It was... surprisingly soft.

Pouting, he snatched the clipboard and went back to scribbling. "Still no fun I see."

"Still on the clock." You couldn't help but to give a coy smile at him. He reacted with a raise of his eyebrow and turned his attention back to the clipboard.

"Hm... Also it could be more flexible. Like maybe a tentacle?"

"... Can Alphys even make that work?"

"She made this beautiful body of mine, didn't she?" You stared at him with wide eyes, and he caught on. "Oh! I guess you never found out did you? Alphy made my body! Isn't that cool?"

"That's amazing, actually... So she built you?"

"She built my body, sweetheart. She can't create souls you know. But that's all history. What do you think of the tentacle idea?"

"...We'll put that idea aside for now."

"Come oooooooooon..." He whined, deciding his foot was perfect for stroking your face. You were less than amused. "Help me out here! What you want in a penis?"

What kind of question is that?! "...To have or-"

"-To penetrate you."

" _Oh my god._ " You put your hand to your face and rested your elbow on the table, groaning.

"Well?"

You suck in a breath. "I don't know, Sir, I really don't exactly have experience with monster's to make a decision on that."

"But you know your vagina, don't you? Don't know you what you like?"

".......No."

"What? Why not?" He sat up like it was an outrage, eyes wide and jaw hanging. You had to stare at him long and hard before he got the picture. "Ohhhhh... Well, then take a guess!" Of course he wasn't phased. You groaned again, crossing out another rejected design. Where in the w vorld did he find something called "Crackers"?


End file.
